I have to drive back to Berlin today. But I don't want to.
Not so much because I want to stay here and do nothing - which I of course do - but because I fear that after I leave here today, I'm not going to see Kuno alive again.
He is an old dog now, and - especially if you haven't seen him for a while - you really notice it. And I'm fine with that, I've had pets all my live and I'm used to them growing old and dying at some point.
But I've always been there for that. If they were euthanised I held them until they were dead. If they died naturally (not many did, because even when I could not yet do it myself, I've felt that being able to stop them from suffering was a good thing. And while putting animals down it is not a *nice* part of my job, I still think it is mostly a *good* part and wouldn't give it up for anything.) I was there on their last days.
And that was mostly for my generations of rats, none of which lived longer than three years. Kuno is nearly ten now (which wouldn't be much of an age for a medium-sized dog like, for example, Cora but simply is for a larger dog like him) and has been with me since he was 3 months. And while Cora has been the family dog most of the time, Kuno is *mine*. He's been with me the whole five years in Leipzig. He's been with me even before I went to Uni. And while he has been staying with my family more in the last year (some of my neighbours don't like him and the three stairs up to my flat aren't the best for his joints either) and is happy here, he is still my dog.
Now, being a Doberman, he has a good chance of just keeling over dead at some point (they tend to have heart troubles) and while I know this would be the best way for him to go, I don't have to *like* it. I just really don't want him to die without being by his side.
Oh well, even if I don't like it, I'll have to suck it up.
(But at least I can complain about it in my LJ. That's what it's there for after all)