Mostly because I take way to long to know what I want to say in an argument. Partly this is because I don't want to say anything rash, but mostly because I don't know what to think.
To form an opinion I have to analyze a topic to death, file all the results and put it in words. After this I can say if I like something. Defending it/ explaining why I like it takes even longer, because I have to try to look at my opinion from different angles, understand the weaknesses and play devils advocate.
This way, even saying if I liked a book or a movie is difficult.
I'd be very happy if were different, but that's how my brain works. Even if I have a gut feeling of 'I think I like this', I still have to go through the whole process until I can talk about it.
Keeping this in mind it's a really stupid idea having me as a member of a relatively important committee.
I only joined the FSR (the students council) to help with the things that are a lot of work, but don't require much thought. Selling transcripts and lab-coats, organizing elections, counting votes, I'm good at those.But the FSR is also responsible to 'provide' the student members in all the committees.
And I can't stand the thought of just not naming one if there's no one interested. Even if we can't really influence the decisions because we've got only one vote, we know what is discussed. I have this silly notion that information is important.
So I'm sitting in the boring committees. No worries so far. But there are manycommittees. And very few students who are interested. </p>
When we were searching for a volunteer for the national committee ( There are only five vet-schools in Germany. The curriculum is set by the state. Changes in the curriculum or exams are mostly prompted by decisions of this committee. There is only one student member from every school.) and found no one, I gave my 'If we really can't find anyone, I'll do it, but you all know I'm bad at this' statement. Very bad idea, when will I learn to just keep quiet?.
And now the next meeting is on Monday. I should read the agenda now, to have at least an idea of the topics that will be discussed, maybe even be able to say on or two coherent things about them (not like last time, when I *stuttered* some completely unimportant things).
But I really, really, really don't want to.
Why do I feel the need to do my best even at job I didn't even want to have? Blargh, stupid sense of duty.
Should I not spam this journal in the next few days, chances are that I decided the ten-fingers-look is overrated.